Thursday, 19 December 2013

The 2013 'Fuzzies' Movie Awards



A hastily thrown-together round-up of the good, the bad and the ugly from the last 12 months, with some cheeky little honorary awards thrown in for a bit of fun. 

I wanted to write something kind of tongue-in-cheek to go with the best actor/director waffle in-order to round off the year. Let me know what you think in the comments section below! 



Captain Phillips

Best Actor: 

Tom Hanks in Captain Phillips. Hanks' performance was powerful and emotionally-intense in this captivating drama by director Paul Greengrass.  

Runners-up: Hugh Jackman in Prisoners, Daniel Bruhl in Rush and Christian Bale in American Hustle. 


Best Actress:

Sandra Bullock in Gravity. Bullock spent the majority of Gravity with just the vast emptiness of space for company. Had it not been for her impressive performance, the film would have been gulping for air very early on. 

Runners-up: Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook, Amy Adams in American Hustle and Emma Watson in The Bling Ring.


Gravity

Best Director

Alfonso Cuaron for Gravity. Cuaron's direction was simple, but effective; with tons of long, unedited shots that panned across the dark, empty landscape of space, Gravity was a real visual treat to look at. 

Runners-up: Ron Howard for Rush, Peter Jackson for The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug and David O. Russell for American Hustle


Best soundtrack/score

Hans Zimmer for Man of Steel. Whilst Superman's return to the big-screen was overly bombastic and action-orientated, Hans Zimmer's soaring score was fantastic. 

Runners-up: Rush (Hans Zimmer, again), Gravity (Steve Price) and Oblivion (M83).


Best Comedy Movie 

The World's End - the concluding chapter in Edgar Wright's Cornetto Trilogy was the perfect send-off for a defining work of British comedy.

Runner-up: About Time, White House Down 


Best Action Movie

White House Down - Amongst the many action films this year, one of two 'White House' action movies this year outclassed them all. Roland Emmerich's lighter tone and witty script was a lot more of an enjoyable romp than anything else released in the same genre this year. 

Runner-up: Elysium, Oblivion 


Best Superhero Movie 

Thor: The Dark World - Marvel's Asgardian god returned this year with a fantastic sequel; the stakes were higher, the action heavier and the laughs bigger. All in all, The Dark World was checked all boxes expected from a fantastic superhero film. 

Runner-up: Iron Man 3, The Wolverine


Worst Actor:

A Good Day to Die Hard
It's a two-way tie between Bruce Willis in A Good Day to Die Hard and Justin Timberlake in Runner Runner - This one was a very hard one to pick so I gave both Willis and Timberlake the honour of this award. Your welcome, gentlemen.


Worst Actress: 

Gemma Arterton in Runner Runner - sure, the whole shebang was fairly messy but Arterton's flat and dull performance only made matters worse for Brad Furman's gambling 'thriller' Runner Runner


The 'hey, that wasn't actually as bad as I thought it was going to be' award for the most surprisingly good film:

World War Z and Fast and Furious 6. Went in expecting crap, came out pretty satisfied. Good job guys.


The 'Michael Bay' award for most unnecessary collateral damage:

Man of Steel - Gone are the days when Superman would do his utmost to save an innocent person's life. "Screw the thousands of Metropolis citizens getting turned into mush by that falling skyscraper, Lois is in trouble!"


The Lone Ranger

Best film that featured Jack Sparrow:

The Lone Ranger - Once again, Johnny Depp delighted us all on screen with his drunk Mick Jagger routine in Pirates of the Wild West. I mean, The Lone Ranger.


Biggest mindfuck award:

Cloud Atlas - The Wakowski siblings sure do know how to mess with peoples heads. Cloud Atlas took me a week, six sheets of A3 paper, a ball of string and a deluxe bag of Cheetos to unravel.


Most unnecessary 3D conversion award:

The Great Gatsby - why anyone thought we'd need to see Tobey Maguire's stupid-ass face in 3D is beyond me.


A poster for This Is The End

Biggest let-down award:

It's a three-way tie between Man of Steel, Runner Runner and This Is The End - the latter in particular a surprisingly unfunny mess.


The 'final nail in M. Night Shyamalan's coffin' award:

After Earth - proving that even Will Smith can be reduced to an uncharismatic douchebag with poor dialogue, pacing, characterisation and direction.


The 'sequel that nobody wanted' award:

It's a four-way tie: The Smurfs 2, G.I. Retaliation, Grown Ups 2 and Scary Movie 5! - Wait, there are FIVE Scary Movies? What? When? WHY?!


Best 'White House is under attack' film:

White House Down - Channing Tatum and Jaime Foxx proved to be a much more entertaining double-act than Gerard Butler and Aaron Eckhart.


Pacific Rim

Biggest 'guilty pleasure' award:

Three-way tie between Gangster Squad, Pacific Rim and Fast and Furious 6. All three were gleeful action-filled romps that were unashamedly silly and fun.


Poorest excuse for a Die Hard film:

A Good Day to Die Hard - the title may have said Die Hard, the main character may have been called John McClane, and the line "Yippe-ki-yay" may have been uttered but A Good Day to Die Hard, was anything but a worthwhile entry into the series.


Most forgettable 'blockbuster':

Oz: The Great and Powerful - seriosuly, I've totally forgotten everything notable about Oz. Did it come out this year? Meh.


Award for the longest runaway ever committed to film:

Fast and Furious 6 - at approximately 27 miles long, the runway during the finale action set-piece is a whole 24 miles longer than the actual longest runway in the world. True story.


Thor: The Dark World

Best 'Bawston' accent:

Tom Hanks in Captain Phillips - "Stawp the laddahs!", "They ain't here to fish".


The Sexiest Norse God award:

Thor...no, Loki...ahh wait, Thor...gah! I can't decide. But maybe Loki.


The Sexist Boy in District 12 award:

Goes to Gale Hawthorne (Liam Hemsworth), obviously. He's like, totally way hotter than Peeta. Duh.


What do you think? Are you a fan of Tom Hanks performance in Captain Phillips or Alfonso Cuaron's direction in Gravity? Let me know in the comments section below!


2 comments:

  1. lol, good stuff here. Nice to see some recognition for White House Down. Such an awesomely underrated movie that one is. And also, heh, I actually DID ask for a G.I. Joe sequel. Just... not the one that we got. :P

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    1. Yeah, White House Down was a real hoot. Haha, so now that you got it, are you going to asking for a threequel? I thought the second was at least a little bit better than the first - that's what you get when you add the Rock! :)

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